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I hate being alone at night. I always feel like things are crashing down all over again.

(via hiatus-for-now-deactivated20130)

Sometimes I wonder if I could do what my dad couldn’t.
I wonder if I could attempt suicide and be successful.
My dad did it wrong and he knew it, he knew the gun goes under the chin and not in the mouth…… yet he still did it. I can’t call him a coward because it takes guts to pull the trigger, so I’m not sure what I can call him… I love him though. The daddies boy side loves him, but not the grown up josh.
The grown up josh wishes he was successful, he wishes that gun was under his chin. The grown up me wishes he died for making me suffer like this. 


Why do I hate myself so much?

(Source: demon--teeth)

Anonymous Asked:
You're such a strong person. If I had to see what you did, I don't think I would be able to live and do all the things you have. Don't give up. Life will get better, you just have to let it.

My answer:

Thank you. I try to do my best in life. Thanks for reading! 

Tagged as: Anonymous,

Anonymous Asked:
Your story made me cry. I am so sorry to hear that you had to lose your parents like that. It helped me realize, though ,that I need to spend more time with my parents. I love them to death, but I am never with them. I always go to friends' houses. I never knew that story about you, thanks for sharing.

My answer:

You should spend time with your parents. You really don’t know when they’ll go. No problem, thanks for taking your time to read it. 

Tagged as: Anonymous,

I just turned 13 and the next day was Valentines day. I spent the day with my parents watching movies and taking care of our dog. We had a husky that was sick, and me being attached to dogs I didn’t want to leave it’s side. It was getting late and me, my parents, and the dog were finishing up the movie Reign of Fire. My mom told me to go to bed but I begged her to let me stay with the dog, she finally told me that the dog was going to sleep in their room and I could too. I was between my mom and dad, happy and feeling better. Right before I was going to sleep my dad told me to tell my mom that I love her, so I did. 
On the morning of February 15th 2005 at around 6 or 7 a.m. I put my hands under the pillow and felt my dads arm stretched across it. Right when I felt it I heard a gunshot. I jumped up and so did my dad, but my mom laid motionless… still sleeping. I was scared so I tried to wake up my mom, she never moved, she never opened an eye, she just laid there peacefully. My father kept yelling at me to go get my older brother and I obeyed. I went across the hall and told him to come to my parents room, he came in a rush and we went back in. In that time my father realized what he did. When we got into the room my father was on his knees on top of the bed and said something to my brother. He then put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Blood was everywhere, it simply was all over the wall and the bed. My dad shot my mom behind her head and then shot himself. After that my brother made me stay in his room until the cops came. I never knew what to think. My parents were always amazing to me, they never argued in front of me, they always showed me love, and did what they could for me. I just wish I did the same to them while I could. 
I’ll never forget that day, and I have a harder time convincing myself it wasn’t my fault. There’s so many ways in which it could be… and sometimes I still feel responsible for that first bullet, and I should’ve been the one to take that, not her. I love my mom more than anything else… anything.

Anonymous Asked:
how would your mom feel if she saw her son end the life she's given him?

My answer:

I don’t know, but I wonder how she would feel if she seen me suffer like this? I just wish I could have done better for her, but I’m failing miserably. How can I go on knowing I’m failing the only thing I’ve cared about?

Tagged as: Anonymous,

All I can do is cry, cry and wish I was with my mom…. buried.

I’d much rather be remembered as the kid who had a whole lot of potential, but didn’t have the chance to fulfill it than the one who had a whole lot of potential and have it all go to waste. But then again.. wouldn’t dying mean wasting the potential anyways? Why does death sound so relieving then? it sounds like the one true place I can no longer be disappointed, and no longer feel like the failure I am growing up to be.

What do you do when the only escape you’ve had becomes another reminder of everything that’s wrong in your life?

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I actually had friends, and didn’t spend 22 hours a day in my room. 

I feel like there are things I need to finally confess.
However, I can’t muster the courage to say them.
It’s difficult for me. 

I feel like my own family is alienating me sometimes. Today is my cousins little boys birthday. The cousin I live with, his brother, knew that and didn’t bother letting me know or even asking if I wanted to go. He just left me here, home alone again. I mean it’s not like he doesn’t know I don’t talk to many people or want to go to my hometown just for a while. Even if it’s just to see family for once. Idk. I just feel like it was an asshole move to do that. I don’t see anything getting any better for me anytime soon. 

At this rate I’ll be relapsing soon. 


So I’m not the only one who does this?

Sometimes I find it fun to hide blades in my mouth. idk why.


So I’m not the only one who does this?

Sometimes I find it fun to hide blades in my mouth. idk why.

(Source: , via hiatus-for-now-deactivated20130)

Just a blog of all the emotion I can't show, and thoughts I dare not voice.



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