I’d much rather be remembered as the kid who had a whole lot of potential, but didn’t have the chance to fulfill it than the one who had a whole lot of potential and have it all go to waste. But then again.. wouldn’t dying mean wasting the potential anyways? Why does death sound so relieving then? it sounds like the one true place I can no longer be disappointed, and no longer feel like the failure I am growing up to be.
To be honest I’m honestly scared about myself sometimes.
I have actual whole conversations with myself on a daily basis. I have arguments and all with myself and even go as far as not talking to myself. I kind of think it’s my lack of social interaction. It might be my minds self defense mechanism to keep myself socially normal in some way. I have times where I’m mad at myself and happy. A couple of times I almost cried because of the conversations I’ve had with myself. I feel like I might have a second subconscious persona that comes out every now and then. I don’t think I suffer from Dissociative Personality Disorder, but sometimes I’m scared that I am. I understand that I’m not a completely different person, but does it still count if I treat myself as another person?
I’ve always had pride in myself. It’s the way my father brought me up. Whatever I did, I did it with pride. I always proved myself to be better, to be the best I can be. I’ve striven to be the best in anything I did, or at least to reach my best potential. Ever since I lost everything I’ve held dear to myself I started this downfall. I feel useless, like I’m just the hugest waste of space. I’ve lost everything I have loved, had a passion for, and enjoyed. Nothing in my life makes me happy. I don’t measure my happiness with the material things I have, not that I have much but just saying, I always measure my happiness in my self pride and self worth. I stay at home all day, I don’t talk to anyone unless I have to, I don’t eat much anymore, I crave alcohol and drugs much more, and I feel empty. Just empty. Everything I love has left my life, and what has stayed in my life tries to avoid me and keep interaction to a minimum. That’s my life. A lonely, depressed, dead life.
Lately I’ve been having these horrible dreams. I see people I wish I still had in my life, people I still love, and things that I wish had happened. It torments me day to die. These are recurring dreams and not a day has gone by where I didn’t have one. It’s painful. It’s just made me realized that this has been the worst year of my entire life. I can’t handle it sometimes. It kills me. I don’t want to see them anymore. The pain of wishing the dreams were true hurts beyond anything i’ve been through. It’s horrible because it’s not just one person or one thing, it’s multiple people ranging from family to a past love. It feels like i’m getting a flashback of what my life could’ve been if I hadn’t been such a screw up. It sucks knowing that this can all continue, like to the point where I can’t make connections with new people and meet others. I don’t think I’ll be able to have more people in my life. It’s getting really lonely real quickly. I’m getting tired of this life. I feel just about done.
I can’t describe all the shit that goes on in my mind. I can’t describe how horribly I torture myself. I don’t torture myself physically, but mentally. I hurt myself. I’m extremely insecure, but only to myself. I am the only person who can ever put myself down. I’m the only person who can actually talk shit and actually have it linger in my own mind and tear me up. I also overthink EVERYTHING! I always do it no matter what. I don’t know why, but I do. My cousin even pointed it out to me this morning and it’s been on my mind all day. He simply asked if I wanted another toast with my breakfast. I actually stopped what I was doing and thought about it. It got quiet and he then just told me that he hates how I have to think about everything. Even the smallest things. I overthink every little thing and it’s tearing me up. I can’t stop my mind. I don’t know how to. But I guess the real reason I’m deeply on the brink, is because I realized how badly I need my job. We have a thief that comes in every wednesday, and it just so happens that it’s every wednesday I work. Through that coincidence I became a suspect! I would NEVER steal from my work, but the fact that it’s possible to lose my job haves me going insane. I really need this job, and it’s NOT EVEN FOR THE MONEY. I don’t need the money, I don’t even spend it. I need it for emotional and mental security. That’s the real reason I need it. I need it because it helps keep me sane. It has kept me from cutting myself up so many times. But right now I’m scared. Deeply truly scared. I know for a fact I am clean and can’t be the thief. I would let them check anything and basically be a parolee to them if they wanted. Yet my brain is still telling me I can still lose my job. I can’t imagine what a mess I would become without it. I’m afraid to fail. I’d rather die than fail. I can’t even describe how badly my mind tortures me. I’m super paranoid and I can’t stop myself from destroying myself.
I want to know my fate if I keep up this way.
I haven’t felt anything in such a long time. I haven’t felt happy, I haven’t felt sad, nor appreciative, lucky, pitiful, confused, caring, interested, JUST NOTHING! I really feel like I now completely lack genuine emotion. I don’t care about anything anymore, I lost all interest in things I would literally spend all day/night doing. There has been things that I would spend such a ridiculous amount of time on for years, and now it just bores me. I don’t eat much anymore. I used to love food like no other, but now I’m lucky if I can get through half of a sandwich. I’m at a strange and low point now. I don’t even feel depressed anymore, yet I feel like this should be depressing. I can’t even become sad, I have actually tried torturing myself with sad things in hopes that maybe, just maybe I will feel some sort of emotion inside of me. Nothing, no frustration from it either, just a dull stare with a non-caring feel. I’m starting to think this is why I love alcohol so much. It will actually make me feel emotion when I’m drunk enough. Maybe it’s just drugs in general, I mean… I tend to feel happy when I smoke, but it just can be expensive. I just………… I want to break. Yea….. I want to breakdown. I want to know it feels like to cry, I want to feel like i’m guilty, I want to feel like I have something inside of me! Please. At this point, I’m just begging for something. Anything, I don’t care what it is, but I just want to feel emotion. I’m afraid that I will stay with this I don’t give a fuck about anything attitude. I just want to feel genuine emotion in me. I don’t care if it’s not happiness, I wouldn’t mind if all I did was cry and cut myself even more, as long as I feel like there is something that exists inside. It has become the reason why I cut. I been cutting so I feel. Mostly regret, in case if anyone found out, but the feeling of knowing I could be caught seems to be the most feeling I get out of myself. However, I have already been getting used to that. I start to not even feel guilty sometimes.
Josh. Please just break already. Please.
I just realized.. that I wish I had a few more followers on here. Maybe then my cries for help would be slightly more noticed. As sad as that is, I hold my pride very high, and for me to ask for help is pretty big. But I’m breaking…. and slowly..